Notes
by musical-gerbil
Summary: What do our favourite Twilight characters do when they're bored during class? Why, pass notes of course!
1. Chapter 1

Can you imagine our favourite Twilight characters, stuck in class with nothing to do… what would they do to amuse themselves?

Why, pass notes of course!

Here's an insight into the minds of the resident sparkly vampires and clumsy human!

_Chapter One: Edward/Bella - Biology_

This is exceedingly dull.

I agree completely. How shall we… spice it up?

Maybe add some sugar, some spice and some things that are nice…

How original. Is anyone thinking about anything interesting?

Mike's thinking murderous thoughts about Mr. Banner and I, and Jessica's wondering what Mike's thinking about. That Angela is actually paying attention, and the other thoughts drifting around are like a quicksand pit of stupidity.

Wow. Us humans really are boring.

I still wish I could get into that odd head of yours. I bet that _your_ thoughts are interesting.

Absolutely.

Don't be such a tease, Bella!

Tell me a story!

Um. Okay. Once upon a time there was a vampire named Joe. The end.

I'll do the next line, and then you do the next, and so on and so forth. Kapeesh?

Clear as a bell.

Joe was a hungry vampire.

So Joe went off and chased a mountain lion for lunch.

The mountain lion was very tasty, and Joe was almost completely satiated.

But because Joe was such a good vampire, he decided to test his skills and catch something more difficult.

Using his rather impressive speed, Joe raced off to the local nightclub.

Bella, you just ruined the whole thread of my inside story here. I was intending to start talking about hunting grizzlies!

So what? Improvise.

Okay. Joe decided that he would ignore his original plan of hunting a bear and follow the prompting of the absurd human who is the co-author of this masterpiece and go along to this 'nightclub'.

Joe was finally listening to his long-suffering mother, who had been telling him for the last twelve decades that a decent woman was what he needed to keep out of trouble, and he started flirting with a butt-ugly woman at the bar.

This isn't working, Bella. You're completely contradicting yourself with every second statement and being utterly random!

This is supposed to be _fun_. And random is fun. Now carry on.

He realised the butt-ugly woman just wasn't for him and moved on to a very attractive young woman sitting down the other end of the bar, eating a bowl of mushroom ravioli.

Thank you. Now, Joe dazzled the poor young woman terribly, and she had extreme trouble with the issue of incoherency.

Joe was exceedingly confused, but did as he was told nonetheless and proceeded to woo the fair maiden, while she ate her mushroom ravioli.

While Joe proceeded with the wooing, the poor young woman proceeded to miss her mouth with her fork and stab herself in the face.

Joe had only recently hunted, so he was able to resist the lure of her blood. It was very difficult though.

And the young woman, who by now somehow knew that Joe was a vampire, deliberately wafted her blood in his face.

Bella…

Edward…

So Joe ran away.

And the young woman, who's name was Jane, proceeded to run after him. She fell over several times, however.

But Joe, with his much superior speed, quickly outran her.

That was, until Jane suddenly turned into a large, ferocious, vengeful zombie and easily caught up with Joe.

Okay, Bella, this is getting out of hand!

Don't be a spoilsport, Edward. I'm practicing my writing skills!

However, Joe was able to return Jane to her normal self with a quick visit to the local witch-doctor.

Now, this witch-doctor decided that she rather liked Joe and held him hostage. Once Jane realised that Joe was in trouble, she realised that she was actually quite in love and set out to rescue her love from the evil witch-doctor.

Who was actually an old woman with a wart on her nose and a terrible case of rabbit teeth.

So, Jane bashed down the door and then proceeded to scoop up the comatose Joe, who had been beaten around the head with a saucepan, no matter that vampires can't lose consciousness, and run out of the little hut. (Without falling over, might I add!)

Eventually, Joe regained consciousness and thanked Jane profusely for saving his life.

Jane graciously accepted Joe's gratitude, and then declared her undying love.

Joe followed her example, by now having fallen deeply in love with the fair maiden.

Jane, however, had a very deep, dark secret which she had told no one…

SHE WAS A MAN!

Bella! What on earth are you ON?!?!?!

……………

LMAO.

I loved writing that! Any suggestions for who you would like a note-passing session between next?

And remember, as _cad_ said 'you review whore'.

I want at least fifteen, all with suggestions for who to do next!

Adios, amigos!

musical-gerbil


	2. Chapter 2

PLEASE READ THE NOTE AT THE BOTTOM!

This chapter is dedicated to Belinda Emmett, wife to Rove McManus, who died earlier today. Emmett, Jasper and me all offer condolences to Rove. Odd, that this is a humour… Rest in peace, Belinda.

Well, due the awesome response of my reviewers, I have decided to continue. Thanks guys!

Okay, well I want to thank everyone who reviewed the first chapter. ALL of you. I love you all.

Well, I was thinking. In my mind anyway, Jasper and Emmett seem like polar opposites. Wouldn't you agree? Like Edward Anthony Masen Cullen said, intelligent vs. not so intelligent. Or maybe, sarcastic vs. very naïve.

Here you go, ladies and gentlemen!

CHAPTER TWO!

_Chapter Two: Emmett/Jasper – Mathematics_

Did you know that 13 people every year die from vending machines falling on them? It is a known fact.

Yes Emmett. I was aware of that fact.

Good. We wouldn't want you standing under a vending machine when it was just about ready to fall and blow our cover by throwing it through the wall.

Oh, no. That would be a disaster. Especially considering that _you_ are the one that throws things through walls. I wouldn't want to steal your trademark.

For someone who looks so nice, you're actually really very sarcastic and mean, Jasper Hale. I don't think I like it.

Well, Emmett Cullen, for someone who has lived for decades, you actually are very thick.

That was low. I insulted _you_. You insulted my brain. You're going to ruin his holiday now.

He's had enough of a holiday, Emmett. He's been on vacation for the past fifty-odd years. I think he needs to come back and get into the swing of things again.

He _wants_ to stay on vacation. He likes it. Just because when your brain is bored he likes to do nerdy stuff like read old philosophy books, doesn't mean that my brain is bad because he likes to go on vacation. He likes fun, but yours must like feeling sick from eating too much.

Oh, gosh, Emmett, you _know_ what philosophy is? Maybe I'm selling you short just a little. Only a _14_ year old would know what philosophy is!

That was harsh. Too harsh, Jasper. You're getting a bit callous.

There you go again! How many times did you have to read the dictionary for that one to sink in?

I'm beginning to feel very unappreciated.

Good. Maybe now you'll let me finish my work.

Oh, does poor Jazzy Wazzy want to do his work?

Yes, Jazzy Wazzy wants to do his work so he doesn't fail.

Well, Emmetty Wemmety hasn't failed in a very long time.

And Emmetty Wemmety is about to fail _again_ if he doesn't stop irritating me. I could very easily make the teacher feel a sudden, unexplained surge of hatred for you, which may well result in a fail.

So, Jasper… how are you? What was your answer to chapter eleven, question four, part d?

Emmett… I'm warning you.

About what?

Oh, by all things holy, Emmett Cullen!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

But company is always a good thing! No one likes to be by themselves!

Emmett, if you do not take this piece of paper and screw it up so you can put it in the bin, or eat it, or whatever else you feel the urge to do with it, once you have read this, I swear, I _will_ hurt you.

Or, alternatively, I'll get Alice and Rosalie to hurt you. You know, I can be extremely persuasive.

Haha. I'd like to see you try and hurt me!

Jasper?

Aww, c'mon! I'm _dying_ of boredom here!

Jasper?

Poor Emmett… Isn't Jasper just horrible?

I just have to say something, which may make you angry.

ATTENTION! I have another story, _Tears in Heaven_, a viggie based on Lord of the Rings and Eric Clapton's song of the same name. Now, my Twilight stories have been received with incredible amounts of enthusiasm and reviews. The same can't be said of _Tears in Heaven_.

2 reviews, people. I have 2 reviews on there.

grumpy-pirate and snoopy-gal are the only two. So, before I give the next chapter, which is already written and ready to post, I would like some feedback on _Tears in Heaven_, because there must be a few LOTR fans among you!

Thanks!

musical-gerbil


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, due to overwhelming response, here is chapter three. Due to exams, sporting commitments and other miscellaneous things limiting my writing time, as well as someone stepping on my USB drive and crushing it, while it contained the only copies of my stories, have all contributed to the lack of updates. Blame Murphy's Law, people. Blame Murphy's Law. And go to and read _Murphy's Law For Elves_ if you're a LOTR fan. It's hilarious.

Okie-dokies, I decided to do as some reviewers prompted me, and do a sequel to the _Adventures of Joe and Jane_ (which I may actually collect and post as a separate fic if I feel like it!). Please, enjoy!

Bella_/Edward – _**Biology**

I wonder what happened to Jane after she told Joe she was a man.

_The very concerned Joe took her, or should I say **him**, to a psychologist._

Don't be mean. It took a lot of courage for poor Jane to admit her deep, dark secret like that. Especially to Joe.

_I think this alter-ego of yours demonstrates deep-seated psychological problems, Bella. I'm actually very concerned._

This is just some light-hearted fun. Now, we're writing **The Adventures of Joe and Jane – Chapter 2**!

_Are we just?_

Yes, we are just. Now, Jane watched Joe for any sign of a reaction, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes.

_Joe, however, was a very accepting fellow, and said that if this was truly their situation, and not just some by-product of the female author's **madness**, they could work around it._

They came up with several options, one of which was a sex-change. It seemed rather painful though, so Jane decided that option could be saved for later.

_Joe offered his own solutions, such as the simple option of a concept called **abstinence**._

Jane, on the other hand, wasn't a frigid like Joe, and had a very healthy libido, so she disregarded this option as well.

_Bella, I'm getting very worried right now. Just for my state of mind, what's your middle name? Your mother's name? Your stepfather's name?_

Marie, Renee, and Phil. Now, Jane suggested that they go on a quest, to see a famous sorceress, who could make her female forever.

_Joe agreed to this 'quest' out of love, much as the male author is doing right now._

Jane smiled sweetly and thanked Joe for his consideration, giving him a kiss on the cheek. '**splat**'

_A rather wet one. Joe was happy with it, nevertheless, and they set off on this ridiculous quest._

Scant hours into their quest, they were set upon by fierce enemies.

_Fierce enemies such as…_

Fluffy bunnies!

_Okay, Bella, I'm taking you to Carlisle **right now**!_

No, you are not. You are continuing with this masterpiece. Now, write about the evil fluffy bunnies like a good little boy.

_The fluffy bunnies were evil. Joe whipped out a gun and massacred them._

Ignore that line. The bunnies put up a brave fight, but not brave enough. Joe and Jane triumphed in the end, weeping over the end of the cute little bunnies.

_I am very confused right now._

Joe and Jane continued with their quest to find the famous sorceress, skipping down the path hand in hand with trippy seventies music and psychedelic backgrounds as their surroundings.

_Joe proceeded to faint from sheer sensory overload. Between the utter madness of the authoress, the psychedelic backgrounds, music and Jane's scent, he was having a very hard time of it._

Poor Joe. Jane scooped him up and continued down the road. Eventually, they reached a fork. At the sudden halt, Joe jerked awake.

_He quickly regained equilibrium, and demanded that they take the fork that offered the most safety._

Jane, however, disagreed. The fork that offered the most danger would get them to their destination much quicker, and Jane was very eager to be a real woman. For the first time in her life.

_Joe protested vehemently against this course of action_.

Jane, being the dominant character, of course, overrode his protests and set off once more, skipping down the road, merrily singing a travelling song.

_They travelled in peace for a while, but Joe's danger-sense was tingling._

They stopped, and all of a sudden, from the bushes popped a…

_Fluffy bunny?_

NO! A fire-breathing, two-headed, CYCLOPS!

_Not again, Bella!_

How did you like? Poor Joe seems to be having quite the time of it, and Jane's enjoying himself very much. Sooo… should we make it that Jane makes it to the sorceress and gets his wish of becoming a woman? Or shall there be more obstacles to his desire of jumping Joe?

Remember… Reviews make me happy, and happy means updates!

(Even if I am a little bit slow… lol)

musical-gerbil


	4. Chapter 4

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND here is the long awaited, much delayed… fourth chapter of NOTES! Apologies for delay… hope you're forgiving and this chapter makes some of it up…

Even though they aren't in the same year, I give you…

Bella/_Emmett_/**Alice**

Edward is SUCH a spoilsport. He has no imagination at all!

_You're telling us! We have to LIVE with him!_

**Now, children, let's not be too harsh…**

**On second thoughts, you're both absolutely right.**

We've been writing a story in Biology, and he's completely useless. Seriously, he's more a hindrance than a help!

_What's your story about? We could help!_

**Yeah!**

Well, there's the vampire, Joe, and the human, Jane. Well, Jane's more of a _**thing**_. See, she's really a man, but her and Joe are madly in love. They're on a journey to find a sorcerer who can make her a real woman. They've already faced off against Jane turning into a zombie, an evil witch-doctor, psychedelic trippy seventies stuff and evil fluffy bunnies. At the end of Biology, they'd just run into a Cyclops because Jane wanted to take the quicker path.

_That sounds AWESOME!_

**Edward would be a complete stick-in-the-mud about that kind of stuff. So, they want to get to the sorcerer?**

Yep. Jane REALLY wants to be a real woman.

_Ok. So, this Cyclops. Can we make him look like Mr. Banner?_

**That might be a good idea. Okay, I'll start us off.**

**Joe was terrified of the Cyclops, and cowered behind Jane, who bravely stood up to defend her love.**

Jane brandished a bejeweled sword and shouted 'BACK, fiend! BACK, I say!'

_The Cyclops positively quivered in fear. The sight of Jane, dear, manly, Jane, brandishing the sword and defending the hapless, frightened Joe, struck terror into its beastly heart._

**And struck love into Joe's racing heart. He leapt to his feet and watched in adoration as Jane laid waste to the evil Cyclops, wielding the sword masterfully.**

Jane was eager to continue their Quest. She was very impatient and could hardly wait until she was a real woman. The unsightly bulge hanging between her legs was getting very troublesome.

_Joe, relieved beyond belief that his beloved was unharmed, swept her into his arms and proceeded to take her breath away. The Cyclops watched in envy with its beady eyes as it slowly bled to death on the road._

**The Cyclops, in its last moments of life, was lamenting its own lost love, a love that had been stolen away by an evil fluffy bunny. One of the bunnies, in fact, that Joe had slain earlier in their Quest**__

Once Joe was quite finished taking Jane's breath away, they continued down the road.

_Joe was consumed with a feeling of impending doom as they entered a dark, forbidding forest and the sky above them turned dark and angry._

**Joe squealed like a little girl as it began to rain. He stole Jane's coat and put it over his head so the rain did not affect his hair.**

Jane sighed adoringly, prepared to freeze to death for the sake of her love's hair. She could scarcely wait until they reached the other side of the forest. They were getting closer and closer!

_There was a loud clap of thunder and Joe jumped higher than should have been possible._

**Jane comforted him easily, but when another clap of thunder sounded, there was a telltale bulge in Joe's pants, and it wasn't in the front of them.**

Jane sought shelter for them and proceeded to build a five storey, turreted fortress within which they could wait out the storm. Not for the first time, she wished that Joe wasn't quite as frigid as he was.

_Jane wished that Joe would develop a sexual appetite. She briefly considered telling him that sex was the best workout, which would have ensured that he gained an appetite for it, being as vain as vampires could be_.

**However, Jane wouldn't have done such a dastardly thing, and instead took watch for the night while Joe slept the storm away, being the true gentleman she was.**

Late in the night, a fierce rumble shook the whole fortress and Jane shot to her feet, on her watch turret within seconds.

_She watched anxiously as a large, dark shape began to separate from the trees and emerge into the clearing their fortress was located in…_

**The large, dark shape eventually revealed itself to be…**

A PURPLE DINOSAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there it is, people. I hope you all enjoyed and aren't too upset with me!

musical-gerbil


	5. Chapter 5

Real life really got in my way, but I'm back, however briefly for. I'm going to apologize, but really, the only thing I can say is that with everything else going on, writing wasn't the most important thing in my life in the past year. Whoever reads this, I'm going to thank you profusely for even bothering after how long I've left this on hiatus without even the courtesy of a warning. I'm sorry, and again, thank you all if you're reading this. An Author's Note really can't do the past year justice. I'm not sure there's even words that can.

I don't own anything except the warped plot.

Dedicated to my Uncle Ronnie and my Pimp Doggy. Miss you, love you, never forget you.

And to Alexis- they're all IDIOTS! But we still love them most of the time... have fun on your study-date!

Notes: The Much Delayed Return of Joe and Jane.

Bella/Edward/**Alice**/_Emmett_

Edward, you need to read what we wrote in the last installment before you can join in this one.

That sounds fantastic. Give me the whole lesson to read it, and you three go on ahead.

**But, Edward dear, don't you want to read what's happened to poor Joe and Jane? I think you'd be fascinated with what we put them through in the last installment!**

_Yeah! Joe's like a carbon copy of you, and Jane's like Bella, except he's got a penis, and I don't think Bella's got one._

Thanks for that, Emmett. I'm glad you don't think I've got a penis.

I know it's got to be bad when I'm feeling sorry for fictional characters just because they've had to endure being written by you, Emmett. Give me five minutes.

**Given. Hope you enjoy the comparisons... and poor Joe and his hair.**

_I think it's good that Jane's the dominant character... the story wouldn't get anywhere if Joe was in charge. It'd always be stopping so he could go to the bathroom and fix his hair, or powder his nose, or do the Baywatch run down the main road._

Now, now, children. Let's censor the mudslinging, shall we? We can write the next installment in peace.

Good God, what on earth are you doing to these poor fictional characters? Joe's going to need psychiatric help by the time the page if over, and Jane is just getting more twisted by the minute.

**Jane happens to be the best character of the lot!**

_Except for the purple dinosaur that's coming up. I have a feeling that I'm really going to like him!_

Okay, now on with it, people. Jane stared out at the terrifying beast in horror.

Joe slept on, blissfully unaware of the impending, chaotic madness that has overtaken all minds behind the creation of this thing of insanity bar one, who is doing his very best to try and make something normal out of this.

**When the giant purple dinosaur passed gas, however, the entire fortress shook violently and Joe was startled awake, both by the stench and the rattling of the walls.**

_Jane leapt over the side of the turret and climbed down the wall heroically, brandishing the sword that mysteriously appeared in his hands as he landed on the ground, shouting "By God, it's a giant purple dinosaur!"_

He then doubled over as the stench of the dinosaur's gas assaulted him. Still brandishing his sword, Jane stumbled forward, coughing and gagging. "You shall not pass!" he yelled, shamelessly ripping off Gandalf from Lord of the Rings.

Joe then proceeded to involve himself in the proceedings and leap bravely from the balcony down to fight beside Jane against their fierce foe.

**Unfortunately for Joe, upon landing, his leg broke in several places, rendering him useless. Jane, tears welling in his eyes at his love's pain, stood tall and proud and again ripped off Gandalf, crying out "You shall NOT pass!"**

_With a valiant war cry, Jane lunged forward, swinging the sword in a dramatic arc. The prehistoric purple monstrosity belched a stream of fire which set the fortress on fire at the same time it sent Jane reeling back._

Jane redoubled his efforts, ever conscious of the pained Joe. After many minutes of fierce battle, Jane finally lopped off the foul monster's head with swing of his sword. Falling to his knees beside Joe in exhaustion, Jane smiled.

Joe, although disappointed he was most rudely kept out of the battle by the two fiends who will remain unnamed even though it is blatantly obvious who they are, leapt to his feet after a miraculous recovery from his viciously broken legs, pulling the battle-weary Jane into his arms and venturing on bravely.

**Jane immediately protested and reversed their positions, sure that Joe must be exhausted and frail after having his beauty rest so interrupted. Staggering on through the dark, misty forest with the stench of the heinous monster's gas still following them, the two wished fervently for the sorceress' castle to appear right in front of them.**

_Obviously no one had told them to be careful what they wish for, because they both suddenly crashed into a stone wall. Joe was knocked unconcious upon impact. Jane courageously (and dizzily) knocked upon the door._

And what should answer the door but...

Good grief, Bella, please, let's not go there again!

**An evil, cackling, heavily made-up...**

_DOCTOR PHIL!_


End file.
